My Kind of Loving, by Rev. D.Wayne Love
STEP 1: YOU MUST CONSIDER YOURSELF POWERLESS UNDER ME.
Now, this may seem like a lot to ask of a body when first they come upon me. But look at it like this; When a man has flown upon the wings of Ganymede, as I have; When a man has been fighting in the jungle with Comrade I.V. ( Socialism In The Mainline ) against the running pig-dog capitalists, as I have; When a man has climbed clear to the very summit of the Mountain of Love, as I have; When a man has heard clearly the clarion call of Presley – shot straight through the heart – during the finale of the ‘68 CBS Special, as I have; Then you must ask yourself this question… Is this man The Avatar he claims to be. If the answer is yes… There you go straight on to Step 2. If the answer is no…
STEP 2: YOU FIGURE THAT’S JUST GOTTA BE JELLY ‘COS JAM JES DON’T SHAKE LIKE THAT.
This refers to my extra-dimensional manliness, and my divine right to shake that jelly roll, Baby!
STEP 3: MAKE A SEARCHIN’ INVENTORY OF ALL YOUR GOOD SHIT.
I ask this material divestment on the grounds that poverty is spiritually uplifting to the unenlightened.
STEP 4: INVENTORY TAKEN HAND IT ALL WILLINGLY OVER TO ME.
The coffers of The Presleyterian Church must be in constant liquidity and its standing as a powerful organisation with diverse financial interests must be unquestionable. Anyways, it ain’t so bad as it sounds, I will take care of all your material, spiritual and physical needs. Don’t you worry ’bout a thing.
STEP 5: HAVING DIVINED I AM THE REAL THING, GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES.
Humility is such an important part of our philosophy. I myself have Presleytized before many.
STEP 6: AND HUMBLY ASK ME TO REMOVE YOUR UNDERTHINGS.
You’re halfway thru now, the rewards you feel are already substantial. Let Me show you the way from here…
STEP 7: AND MAKE READY FOR ME TO DO MAH THING.
“Mah Thing” is lovin’ and you’re just about ready for some.
STEP 8: NAKED NOW, YOU READY TO UNDERSTAND MY KIND OF LOVIN’.
Uh… I like to keep this step as vague as possible when explaining it in writing, you see you must be one with Me in symbiotic union to fully comprehend.
STEP 9: LOVIN’ MEN, LOVIN’ WOMEN, LOVIN’ ALL GOD’S CREATURES.
I literally do not discriminate; all things are capable of feelin’ the power of The 12 Step Plan. I ain’t no inter-specieist weirdo. That’s jes the way it is.
STEP 10: YOUR DIVESTMENT’S COMPLETE I MAY OR MAY NOT BECOME TURNED ON BY YOU.
Many are called. Few are chosen.
STEP 11: IF I AM TURNED ON BY YOU I MAY MAKE YOU A…
Wait for 12. You’re almost there. You’ve almost reached the summit now, jes hang on in there…
STEP 12: A DISCIPLE, A LOWLY LITTLE REVEREND, JES MAKIN YOUR WAY DAY BY DAY IN THE CONGREGATION, HUSTLIN A DOLLAR HERE, A DOLLAR THERE, SELLIN PICTURES OF THE KING AND BRINGING THEM BACK TO THE ALL HOLY, ALL POWERFUL, ALL WISE D. W.A.Y.N.E. LOVE.
There you go. Now that wasn’t such a grind now was it. All you gotta do now is stay with it. Keep the coffers stacked with green and your life will be spiritually and in all other ways enhanced. The world under The Reverend presents a new challenge everyday… As I said to Lady Agatha jes the other day… Life under The Plan can be beautiful… Jes remember Mah pockets have no bottoms..